Repetitive, which is ultimately depressing, despite the occasional bit of comic relief.

A very zen reference obviously.

My new years resolution is for it not to be.

By the way, I am in a bloody amazingly good mood at the moment, how are you?

or ?

P.S My absence explaination is the battery dying on the laptop and being without internet access. I feel honoured that I crossed some minds, dears.

P.P.S While temporarily online I've spied on a few blogs

P.P.P.S My birthday was nice enough thank you. Almost mid-twenties. What have I been doing with my life? Well, rhetorical question, I can remember most of it anyway

P.P.P.P.S I got myself a 2008 diary when I was at the post office yesterday (picking up provisional driving licence form and form for new passport, also getting a job application at a shop). I didn't purchase with the intention to abandon blog and get journalistic on its pages, more for writing down birthdays, being organised, "ooh it'll help me change my life" - yuh huh. Ahem, I mean Yuh huh. In a cynical way. E.G:
New Years resolutions: smoke less, groom better, try and sort my mottled cheeks out once and for all, lose weight i.e eat better and exercise more or at all, sort career out, sort out place to live on my own, get doing some Further Education (because I am SO bored) (and need more qualifications for career and sensible money/independence aim), improve mind. It was entirely predictable and Bridget Jones-esque. I can't write that well but you get the over-earnest gist. I found it amusing.

In order to do what the general free floating advice somewhere recommends, and break it down into small manageable specific aims and tasks, my revised New Years Resolution:
Never paint my nails again - it always chips within a day and is entirely pointless. I just don't get it - what is nail varnish about? WHAT IS IT'S APPEAL?

Brown boots
Brown patterned tights
denim skirt
brown v-necked jumper long sleeved
wooly orange cardigan, the one with three big buttons at the top, and bell sleeves with a strap buttoned around the elbow.
blond bob with fringe (hair cut last week).
green glasses.

Facebook message received 1.47am

nice picture lol. i took a better one wile u were asleep tho. clothed of course. u still being all lonesome and silent? tryin to set one of these things up. they make no sense to me grrr.

Creep.

Brown flat gathered-up-the-inside-with-a-thread-buckle-slouchy shiny boots
my favourite pale blue jeans, they make my ass look great but now have rip in the back of the thigh
soft green jumper with sleeves in ribbed arrow cut on outside of elbows (a detail I love, neeeeeiggggggh to tight cuffs on jumpers), narrow and low neckline again with wide ribbed cut
long sleeved green leopard print top underneath.

Now, I need to decide what to pack for Birmingham tomorrow, am visiting The-Mighty (his surname rhymes with Boosh) and his boyfriend, and they're taking me and china-girl to Snobs. Last time my flatmate got declined entry due to being bladdered so hoping to get in this time.

This week I have:
Watched Shooting Fish and Shameless round China-Girls.
Been cancelled on by my brother to cut his hair three times.
Monday: Had a guy at the bus station start telling me how he'd been visiting his friend at the mental ward at the bus station, then follow me outside when I went for a cigarette to continue telling me how him brother killed himself, how he used to be an alcoholic and a carer until his mother died, and how his ex-girlfriend used to abuse him. I wasn't being nasty but it was a bit much.
Got a taxi to work twice, not because I was actually up too later, but because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house an hour and a half before my shift start. I regret the money seriously because I now have £68 in my bank account to last the rest of the month. £26 of which needs to go to china-friend because we booked our train tickets to Birmingham on the phone at her house because she was 6 hours late getting home and so we weren't meeting at the train station to buy them as originally planned.
Bumped into a guy on the bus who bummed a cigarette off me at the bus station about two months ago and is from the same town in Canada as my cousins, I got told off last time because I didn't find out his name but they reckoned it was a small enough place that they'd know him. Found out his name. Discovered it was actually his middle name as he was showing me his ID's asking whether he should grow a goatee again, his explaination for not using his real name is that it makes him sound like an asylum seeker. Right. Very bad photos. Looks better with short dreadlocks now. This time I found out what subject he's doing as post-grad over here, not that I know what zooology is doing (I think it was a test or a joke when he said he wants to run a zoo) he also offered me a spliff (I've severely gone off it, paranoia is real for me, I smoke and the world seems threatening and I start thinking about the chain of where it comes from as well and my role in society, and the thoughts just won't go away, it wasn't like this smoking with my gay-best-friend-forever, damn him going off and getting married and moving away, I miss him), and he asked for my number to take me to dinner sometime. He had been drinking cider round a friends on an early Tuesday evening and I thought I could smell it, but then he said that and it made sense that he was stoned as well.
Wednesday went straight from work to see a workmate sing in a bar competition, had three pints and a glass of fizzy wine and was giddy and having fun, bonded with the older workmates, cheered enthusiastically for the one who was singing, had a dance off with chinese-afro-boy (who china girl has been seeing who used to work with my current workmates) danced with a guy who I thought was gay from his stage performance, but who obviously wasn't after that dancing, got chatted up by some other guy who looks really like my drug-addled old friend who has the same name as a politician, who was then telling me how he's worked in a callcentre for 10 years and they keep trying to screw him over for having time off ill when his diabetes causes him problems but he's so far got £25000 damages out of them and is going to court again, who also seemed drunk, and said he needed an assistant for his quiz nights and could make £400 a night - though he didn't/wouldn't explain exactly what the job he was offering would entail (!). I quite fancied this northerner who was down for work and staying at the hotel my brother works at. The workmate who had offered to give me a lift to stop me leaving to get the last bus pissed off without me, so went to a seventies club with afro-haired-chinese guy and acne-boy - who I also already knew through china-girl and other mutual mates and who also used to work with my current work-mates - boogied like an idiot at the seventies club - where notherner-bloke had followed us - I'm still in my work clothes by the way and looking quite lesbian with the collar of my black shirt turned up, hair in a low ponytail, I was quite liking my look and was obviously suffering from high self esteem what with being so amusing and charming (and drunk). As couldn't get home had to kip round chinese-afro-boys near town centre, which I was not happy about really as I love my own bed and hadn't planned on such a night out - plus though I'm friendly with them they're not my friends so much. Regretted having a toke at afro-boys when he went to let his cat in the flat then acted like he was interrupting something between me and acne-boy when he came back in the living room, which could not have been further from the truth. The one toke was obscenely strong and I really felt drugged and drunk out of proportion and like it was dangerous. I tried to offset this by having enthusiastic conversation about retro-video-games (can't remember how that started). I got given his bed as apparently he always sleeps on the sofa. Was horrible and skanky without sheets or duvet-cover and acne-boy came in to share the other half of the bed and I knocked away a cuddling arm several times and slept with my fists clenched ready to punch. Maybe slight over-reaction, but I felt safer that was prepared to be rude and feeling very fucked off. I don't like either of them now. A pity because I found acne-boy pleasant before he decided to fancy me. Went home 7am in the morning and had an hours kip as was on late shift myself, and that was a good bit of sleep.
Thursday met ex-pat-friend off the bus on way home as wanted to go see the band that guy-I-fancy drums in, but turns out both bands cancelled the gig the day before. Was relieved to get to go home even if it was disgustingly late as had spent two hours in town. Stupid buses. Watched Heroes which my flatmate had taped from BBC3 for me. Yey! How good was that?
Slept until 2.30pm today when china-girl woke me up with a phone call to say she'd be round after she'd been to the gym. Was originally woken up at 9.30am by one of my cousins phoning from Canada to talk to my landlord, she's the one who is ill, so I may have been over-helpful offering to ring him at work and tell him to turn his phone on for his breaktime so she could call him. She hates that being-treated-differently-because-she's-dying-stuff but luckily she didn't notice. I think if she was away at 2.30am her time and wanted to talk to her brother her mind was on other things.
Before I was woken up the first time I was dreaming about caressing girls boobs so I almost didn't answer the phone.
When I went back to sleep I dreamt about a 19 year old quiet lad from work, which was very pleasant, basically we were just running around trying to find somewhere to shag in private. He's tall, has a gorgeous butt, blatantly spents hours on his black indie fringe and plastering his hair to the side of his face in the perfect shape every morning, and always has perfectly ironed shirts. A whole two of them. Think I'm in heat again. Or lonely. (But not for just anyone, still feel justified ending things with the-lanky-streak-of-piss, and maintain I did the right thing, while also singing in my head 'you can't handle me' when I feel bad for hurting him). Stonking dream kisses with player-boy, woke up smiling.
This evening was more the kind of lifestyle that to be honest I like and want, video evening. Babel then Starter for Ten. Hmm. James McAvoy.
Though surprisingly the best time I've had in the last week was when I was supposed to meet ex-f-buddy-numero-deux for a coffee but was running late, so he came round here, and we did face-masks and hand and feet and back massages and watched the Girl Next Door and John Tucker Must Die, and cooked together.
Tomorrow I'm on late shift again, so going straight from work to my teacher friends wine and cheese night. This is welsh-girl and sprite-boy, and the-red-dawg and his girlfriend (he works at a school as an I.T tech and she's another teacher!) will be there, possibly demi-ginger-girl and her fiance-my-first will be there, and china-girl is bringing naaarfalk-boy. I feel safe with them. And there is NO FRIGGING WAY I'm being convinced to go uptown after that. I don't need it to make my night complete. And if I miss the last bus home I'm imposing on my eldest brother to give me his sofa as he lives near them.

"I've always been bad at arguing. Cassie was always good. I preferred it that way. She was always convincing me to do things I didn't want to do. I convinced her of nothing. I didn't mind - I didn't want the responsibility. I knew - from my own experience of being convinced - that while it is possible to win people over to your opinion, this is only a good outcome superficially. Because after a while, some tiny thing will go wrong, at which point they will revert to their earlier viewpoint, and resent you for bullying them out of it (and for exposing their weak will - so you won't have won after all).
If Tim didn't want my children then I wasn't going to argue. I just wouldn't have children.
I informed him that I'd return the following day to collect my thesaurus, my thermal vest, and other essentials. It occured to me that I now had the rest of my life to correct the nation's grammar. I should feel grateful that - at least, within my head and possibly a notebook, in which I'd detail each mistake and my amendments - the world would now be orderly, regulated and error-free. i also had to think about keeping myself warm, as there was no one else to do it. The next afternoon, I found my belongings in a plastic bag on the doorstep."

Our first person narrator for that chapter, Lizbet, walks away from the house with a face like a barracuda, and as the story resolves she reassesses her relationship with her sister Cassie, and fixes the hurt she caused Tim, and even how she is relating to her miscarriage and her attitude/admits to her desire to try for a family. It's a involving book with a happy ending.

I would like to quote all the critics praise, just one "powerful without being didactic, moving without being sentimental, riotiusly comic without being superficial", but you can pick up the book in a bookshop and look inside the front page if you are still interested.

Damn you all.
More, more, more - I will become demanding and petulant *trys to give threatening look* *result:squinty*

Fell asleep on the sofa earlier, think was only for half an hour though, woke up about 10.30pm and have not yet been successful falling asleep in bed. I wasn't reading by the way (well, tiny bit of Marian Keyes Rachels Holiday) have had light out since like 11pm.
So I'm up and blogging!
Plus, having Samantha from Sex-In-The-City problem for last few months, have lost my O. Very perplexing. It's a guarranteed sleep bringer as well, so annoying.
Just rolled and smoked my fourth cigarette for the day. And blatantly going to have a fifth when I type the next post (another book extract which caught my fancy). Only had two yesterday, but this isn't exactly quitting. Let's see how tomorrow goes, just trying to remember what it was like when I was a non-smoker. Incidentally although I said rolled I am not talking about joints, I may have mentioned in my last need-to-sort-myself-out-posting about a month ago that I'm giving myself a lifestyle change. Hasn't been absolute, but all attitude and defiance of own suggestions has been thoroughly enjoyed treat. Along those good intention lines, have not have any crisps or chocolate since before the weekend now, only just realised, yey. Have not dumped the-lanky-streak-of-piss yet despite having wobbly-commitment-phobic-over-critical moment where I was like "what the **** am I doing, he's not right, this will end badly" instead I calmed the hell down and am going with the flow, and it worked as gave me time to go "oh yeah, there, that's some of what I like in him". Will make packed lunch again for tomorrow - as my real reason against the temptation of the canteen and snacking is money might have to be like some virtuous dieter and take raw carrots to snack on. My stomach was making squeaking sounds today - I swear it was audible as it shrunk. Can't be having with that.
Hm, took little tupperware container of cut up baked potato covered in pepper with grated cheese, and copious amount of peas in today*, t'was luvverly.
Maybe pasta and tabasco sauce and cheese tomorrow, ran out of peas though *see above. Carbs (is pasta carbs? starchy empty calories anyway) and dairy, this definitely isn't a diet.

Course at work today - in theory about learning styles. A lot of psychological guff, which I have to admit I love. Useful in light of my on-going battle to not be a depressive unmotivated git and get off my arse and do something to make myself feel better.
This trainer has a reputation, but didn't make anyone in our group cry (did in yesterdays group according to lunchtime gossip). He did explain exactly what he was trying to do to us though (plus maybe was holding back due to yesterdays experience) and how he wanted to get us to think and be open minded, and one of the many theorys he was messily scribbling on a flip chart was comparing remaining in our comfort zones to a green stagnant pond. Nice use of imagery.
My head is all filled with all the jumbo-y mumbo-y-ness of whether our primary motivator is Acheivement, Affirmation, Power-Socialised or Power-Personalised, and having us place ourselves where we fit on the Victim, Spectator, Cynic, Player grid, choices and empowerment, etc. There were many more.
Always nice to have some new ideas to explore the way people relate to each other. I can easily see what I'm missing, defensive questioning sounding like I have an agenda, giving power away, not turning understanding of other peoples motivators into influencing. Blah. Not entirely new thoughts about myself, and I've gone all poncey again.
The thing is, a) I've been a bit lazy in the past, following the meek path of just trying to be nice and not admitting my own competitive side and b) felt a lot of things were out of my comfort zone so though you won't know how the hell I can be like this still, it is true that I've made some strides.
Ha ha, victim excuses.
we also got warned we limit ourselves
and that pessimists think they are realists.

I'm still not thinking of my audience in my blog, I am aware
It is indeed my life.

I'm afraid one of the tasks in the workbook we got left with was to write down ten nice things about yourself, something it is somehow cringeworthy to commit to sincerely try and do. However:
1. I'm generous

ok, no, I'm going to try and be too accurate
so I'm just going to be lazy and cut and paste facebook honesty box messages:
October 21st: from a boy: "Too hot"
October 16th: from a girl: "You're funny as fuck! Rock out Josie stylee!!"
October 10th: from a boy: "I think your fun, but you need to relax a bit and not worry about what other prople think of you or what you think of you! life is for the living so dont over analysis everything and i think you will be much less stressed! plus I think your pretty!! :-)"
October 8th: from a girl: "Hi Sexy lady!

You looked amazing on Saturday X x"
September 24th: from a girl: "Josie King is a fox!"
September 10th: from a boy: "aah, Crazy Josie..."
July 24th: no gender colour highlighted: "Pretty, Witty, Smart, Sensible and down to Earth. What more can one say?!!! x"

I swapped shifts to work tomorrow and be off today, specifically so I could get uptown during the day during the week. Instead I slept until 3.30pm. It's obscene. I remember turning my alarm off at 9.30am. Didn't think I'd naturally sleep until that late.

My brother-nearest-my-age has bet me £1000 that I won't do the half marathon next year. Hm.
A) not that he'd have the money anyway
he wasn't serious
C) I'd love the look on his face if I did though.

So, was waiting at finish line of Great Eastern Half Marathon with lucozade and best cheering voice Sunday afternoon. My brother-in-law came in in I think an hour and 37 minutes, which I assume is good. I assume this because this man runs for enjoyment pretty much every day yet couldn't form a sentance for a good twenty minutes until after my-brother-nearest-my-age then my sister came in. Plus he had that lovely sweated-so-much-have-dried-salt-on-my-face look.
Retired to the pub near the river for a shandy or two, along with pat-sharpe-lookalike friend. (ah, image). I rewarded them with Terrys chocolate oranges. A worthy prize I feel.

I had lots of little journal-like things I was planning to blog - psycho woman at work - being 'officially' someones girlfriend - however our very small flat will be cramped in about 10 minutes when landlord and his brother (the-ginger-one-in-the-canadian-side-of-the-family) get back from the pub. (Oh my god, they just got back, giggling wenches, the telly immediately went on and the crate of beer is being raided as I type). Therefore I am just going to leave with this:

... If my mobile wasn't so retro that it didn't take photos...
the bit from 5:00